Outside the Box Parenting

I’ve been thinking about this idea of how yoga can help us parent more mindfully and genuinely.  Yoga is a really important part of my life and I am only beginning to scratch the surface of all that yoga has to offer.   I’ve recently embarked on a teacher training program and am learning about the eight fold path (or eight limbs) of yoga.  So yoga is more than just the poses.  But the poses (or asanas) in some ways are the most accessible and maybe the easiest for our western minds to grasp.  So for many of us, yoga started and maybe continues to be, primarily a physical practice.  So what does this have to do with parenting?

I’m hoping that as I learn more and integrate more of the teachings into my way of being, I can parent the way I mean to, but don’t always achieve.  I know that I encourage myself and others to let go of the expectation of how our kids will turn out.  I’ve often said that we don’t parent in an authentic and respectful way because our kids will “turn out” better.  We do it because it is the right thing to do.   I don’t know about you, but for me, that is easier said than done.  Yoga teaches us to let go of the outcome and appreciate the process.  So something that I’ve known intellectually for years, I’m hoping that yoga will help me feel, and really believe it!

So that is my path.  I’m trying to appreciate the journey and not set this as a goal.  Another thing that is hard to do.  But does yoga always have to be so serious and be about hard work and internal change?  I hope not. I know that  yoga asana is something that my kids and I enjoy doing together.  I think it helps us to connect and relax and have fun.

In that spirit, I’ve decided to teach a mini-course of Yoga for Moms and Daughters.  I’m looking forward to doing this with my daughter and sharing it with others.  I plan to do a relaxing gentle yoga class but thought it might be fun to do some partner poses as well.  I hope we’ll laugh too.  Wish me luck and check out the class if you’re in my area.   Let me know what you would want to get out of a class like this.  Here’s the link to the class description.

http://www.junktojewels.com/yoga/motherdaughteryoga.html

I attended an unschooling conference awhile back.  I went for inspiration, an opportunity to present some thoughts on parenting in what I hoped would be a non-threatening environment, and have some fun with my family.  During my workshop (oh I mean funshop, politically incorrect to call it work, don’t you know), a woman talked about her sadness that her teenage daughter was not on-board with the year long, cross country RV trip that they were undertaking.  The daughter complained of boredom and isolation from her peers.  The woman received a lot of support from other parents and reassurance that she was doing the right thing.  She was told that her daughter would appreciate it later.

Putting aside the fact that the session was about consent-based parenting and my anger at myself for standing there with my mouth hanging open like an idiot…..  how is this unschooling?  I was shocked that people think that forcing your child into some “alternative” thing is somehow different than forcing them to go to school or take piano lessons.  Do unschooling parents “unschool” for their child’s own good?

It’s long been a pet peeve of mine when I see all kinds of alternative lifestyles foisted on children, “whether they like it or not.”  I struggle with how to say this because I am sympathetic to many of the alternative lifestyles.  I too, think the idea of hitting the road and going where the wind might carry me is compelling.  I often think about changing the way I eat, cook, shop…..   I want to eat more whole foods, live lighter on the planet, be more green.  I share these interests and thoughts with my family.  Perhaps they will find the ideas compelling too, but maybe not.

Live whatever alternative lifestyle you please, but if your kids have no choice about their diet, how they spend their time, etc. understand that at a fundamental level, your beliefs about your child’s autonomy are no different than “conventional” parents.

I picked up a flyer in my local library advertising a class called, “Parenting Styles:  What Works When.”   The flyer read, “We [sic] will discuss various parenting styles and how they may need to change as children grow and mature and/or vary from one child to another in a family of child care setting.”  Whew!  Not only are we supposed to know different styles of parenting, but know different ones for each kid at different times of their lives.  So parenting is less about having a relationship with your kids and more about learning effective techniques to “deal” with each one in a way that “works” best for them.

I wonder why we don’t talk about “spousal” styles or “friendship” styles.  Can you imagine being told that the best way to deal with your husband’s mid-life crisis is to alter the “style” in which you have been relating until he enters a new phase of development?  Then it’s on to the next trick!

Being a parent is not about learning the latest and greatest parenting “style.”  Why not just be ourselves and treat our children like complete human beings.  Let’s not put our relationships in the hands of “experts” who tell us the latest and greatest method.  My real beef (besides the fact that it feels so phony) is that all of the tricks and techniques assume that we need a certain outcome.  So we parent the “right way” in order to get our kids to turn out the “right way.”  But our kids aren’t a product to turn out.

How about treating people (and kids are people) the way we want to be treated?  That sounds familiar.  I think it’s one of the oldest “techniques” in the book.

Here is a piece I wrote for a series called “Paths to Peace” that ran in my local newspaper.   A shorter version made it to print but here is the longer version.  I think it came out pretty mild and perhaps not honest enough.  That is, everyone thought it was great but I don’t know that anyone was challenged to change their thinking.  I struggle about how to talk to people in a way that is challenging yet not offensive.  Let me know what you think.

PATHS TO PEACE IN PARENTING

Have you seen the TV shows with the parenting ’experts’? Recently I was channel surfing and came upon two shows competing for my attention that purported to teach something about parenting. I watched with tears in my eyes as on one channel a toddler sobbing in a crib was ignored by the teens assigned to “care” for him and by the adult monitoring the action. And on the other channel a young girl was forced repeatedly into a ‘naughty’ chair. The goal was to get her to sit in the chair for 5 minutes straight. She screamed and cried and asked for release but the parenting ‘expert’ encouraged her parents not to give in. This went on for over 3 hours until this strong, courageous child finally gave up!

The teens were supposedly being taught the lesson that parenting is hard and they should not have children before they are ready. The child on the other program was supposed to learn that rules must be followed and that children must do what they are told. But what are the real lessons being learned? Will these children learn that people should be treated lovingly? Are they being shown how to solve problems creatively and respectfully? Are they learning that their needs matter and that their parents should be helping them? Unfortunately, everyone is learning just the opposite. They are learning that cries will be ignored; that being bigger and stronger wins arguments.

How forcing or allowing children to suffer can be viewed as TV entertainment is a question we’ll save for another day, but every day I read or hear advice from parenting ‘experts’ who advocate similar measures. Even when the advice is not so harsh, the underlying belief system is that parents should be in control and children should obey, for fear the children will grow up to be irresponsible adults.

However, just the opposite can happen to children who are treated this way. I worry for all of us that some of these children will grow up lacking empathy and become insensitive to others needs, copying the bullying behavior of the adults in their childhood. Or just as bad, they will be meek followers, afraid to stand up to injustice.

I believe that parenting peacefully today contributes to our own experiences of peace and leads to our children growing with respect and love into responsible, peaceful, happy adults. I want to put forward another theory about parenting; one that encourages more peace within the family. Here are some suggestions of how to walk on the path to peace in your parenting.

Turn off your internal voices and listen to your kids. Really listen. Try not to be swayed by fear of how things ‘might turn out’. Be flexible. When you and your child are working on a solution, be open to new ideas, new ways of looking at something. Kids can be amazingly creative. They aren’t as quick to edit out all of the possibilities that seem far-fetched like we adults are inclined to do. Ask your children how you can help them get what they want. Take on the role as trusted adviser. Rather than a knee-jerk no, offer them constructive, truthful information. I often catch myself saying things like, “You’re not allowed to do that here.” Then when I investigate, I sometimes find out this was a wrong assumption. Help your children find safe ways to do things that interest them. Trust that they are rational and are not trying to hurt themselves. They will welcome your guidance if you are honest with them. And the most important of all, apologize when you have made a mistake or betray a trust. None of us is perfect and our children will forgive us when we don’t live up to our best intentions.

Perhaps you are asking, “How do I actually do that?” There is no cookie cutter recipe for this. It’s really a mindset and willingness to do things differently. The solution to any problem is “in the room” with the people trying to solve it. But I will try to help a little by presenting a scenario that many of us can relate to. I hope it can get you started on the path to a more peaceful way of being with your kids by helping you to ask yourself some key questions.

Let’s say your child doesn’t want to go to an extracurricular activity that they are signed up for. Immediately your fears of what might happen go into high gear. You may be thinking, “I already paid for the class, we’ll be letting down the team or disappointing the teacher, or my child will not learn how to keep commitments.”

The first step is to be willing to put aside those fears for now and listen to your child and try to understand what their concerns are. Maybe it’s just a momentary problem that can be solved right then and there. Or your child is just tired so you skip the activity for today. Would you make them go if they were sick? Examine the idea about why some reasons are ok and others are not. Perhaps the problem is that the child has lost interest in the activity, doesn’t appreciate the style of the teacher, or some other reason that indicates that this will be a problem every class time. Be willing to reconsider the activity or help your child find solutions to their problem. You may need to go outside of your comfort zone and ask the teacher to make a change for your child or get a refund. Let your child know what the possible outcomes are. Maybe they will get kicked off a team if they miss too many practices. That could be useful information but certainly only if that is truly a possibility. Help them avoid a negative outcome if you can. Letting a consequence happen when it can be prevented is just another way to punish.

Is sticking to a commitment more important than learning about yourself and what you do and don’t like? Perhaps a child is learning that they don’t like an activity as much as they thought they would. Maybe they are learning that there are times of the day that don’t work so well for them. They are surely learning to listen to themselves and not to make everyone else’s needs more important than their own. Do we really want our children to learn that it’s not ok to change one’s mind or to change course when something isn’t working? They will learn to honor commitments by feeling committed, not by being forced to “stick it out.”

In this example of peaceful parenting, you listened to your child’s concerns. You were given the opportunity to stretch your flexibility. You questioned your own fears and assumptions. You gave your child honest information about possible outcomes. You helped them not suffer “consequences” if they could be avoided. And most importantly, you showed them that you are willing to take their concerns seriously, will help them find solutions, and can be trusted to give good advice.

Is this easy? Not always. But it’s no harder than enforcing rules and limits all day long and it’s way more satisfying. It’s inhumane to have a child (any child) scream for 3 ½ hours to teach them to submit to some rule. I would much rather come to some agreement with my child about what makes sense for all of us in any given situation.

Here is my dream for parents. I wish for them the thrill of seeing their child’s uniqueness and the opportunities to learn from their child’s love and joyful exploration of life. And this is my dream for all children. I want them to learn that they are important. I want them to know themselves, what interests and excites them. I wish them happy childhoods and the ability to find happiness as adults. I hope they will be able to solve problems creatively so that they can live peacefully in their families, communities, and the world. What better legacy to give our children and better way to create a more peaceful world now and in the future.

Biography

Debra Kattler runs Outside the Box Parenting, which provides parenting workshops and phone and in-person coaching on conflict resolution within families. Her focus is on helping parents to listen with compassion and be creative in the search for solutions. To learn more about Outside the Box Parenting call (301) 360-0699 or go to www.outsidetheboxparenting.com.

Lying in Corpse Pose at the end of a yoga class, the words “the anti-SuperNanny” floated into my head. I had been thinking all week about the fact that my “squawk” has to do with seeing harsh, disrespectful treatment of children. I realized that I want to make a difference for children by introducing their parents to different parenting ideas and theories. I started to fancy myself as the “antidote” to the SuperNanny and her brand of operant conditioning in parenting.

I thought more about this idea and realized that I had never actually watched ABC’s “The SuperNanny.” I had only seen commercials. Frankly, I didn’t think I could stomach it. But I decided that I needed to do my homework, bite the bullet, and watch the show! I thought it might inspire me to forge ahead in this venture of helping people parent in a way that shows respect for all of the family members. It wasn’t easy to sit through an entire show but I did it.

The family on the show was so desperate for help, that the sad and uncreative suggestions from Jo Frost, the SuperNanny, were actually an improvement. But that’s not saying much. The parents and grandmother were controlling and fearful. Constant badgering to stay close was the norm. The parents held their kids down while brushing their teeth for fear that they might not do a good enough job. They would not let the children walk around their own property because they might not listen and get too far away. They lived in a beautiful place but spent most of their time indoors. The grandmother, who lived next door, babysat daily. SuperNanny watched as grandma sprawled on the floor and grabbed at ankles trying to stop two children moving in opposite directions. It was a rather frightening sight. These adults were so clueless about how to interact with the children. What was SuperNanny’s solution to the problem? The naughty chair!

Jo teaches that children must be made to listen. The naughty chair is her tool to make that happen. A “disobedient” child is physically forced into a chair and repeatedly dragged back until they stay there for the designated period of time. These were small, energetic children being broken like animals. It made my heart ache. On a family camping trip, the three children were having fun fishing for items in a bucket. Oh wait, no, they were being taught the lesson of taking turns. One of the children reached into the bucket during another child’s turn, and you guessed it, to the naughty chair. And oh sweet success, the child was able to stay in the naughty chair the entire time on the first try! After time in the naughty chair, the child was made to apologize and then give the adult torturer a hug. Imagine you have just been held against your will and then must hug your assailant and be forced to say, “I love you.”

Is that really how we want to be with the people we love the most? Do we really want to use force and intimidation to get compliance? Is compliance what we want in healthy relationships? I think that the families on SuperNanny are looking for answers and they see “results” from the advice and tricks they get from Jo, but at what cost?

What would I do, given the chance to meet some of these families? I’d try to help them learn to listen to one another. I’d encourage the parents to help their children get what they want instead of trying to teach them to control every normal childish impulse. I’d try to help the parents let go of some of their fear and to examine their ideas about the way children “should” be. But that might take a little longer than the few days that SuperNanny works her “magic.” Probably would be boring television too.

I initially thought that I would watch SuperNanny regularly and offer critiques and suggestions of better ways to effect change; change through improving relationships and communication, not “training” away behaviors that parents find challenging. But you know what, I don’t think I can watch it regularly. It was too hard. I’m sure I’ll find other things to inspire my musings.

I talked recently with Jan Hunt, Director of the Natural Child Project, and author of The Natural Child: Parenting From the Heart. Jan mused aloud about how we’ve gotten so far away from realizing that babies have feelings. She once read a book written by a doctor in the 1930’s, who wondered if babies could feel pain. “How did we get to a point where we have to wonder whether babies have feelings?” she asks. Although we are talking on the phone, I can almost see her shaking her head in disbelief. Jan believes that it is illogical to think that children are somehow different than adults in their response to punishment. If it doesn’t work for adults, why should it work for kids?

I asked her why it is so difficult to get people to parent in the respectful way that she advocates. She explained that we learn what we’ve been shown, so we may not have other “ways of being” in our repertoire. Even when we know intellectually that we want to treat our children according to our best theories of parenting, we can easily fall back to old habits, especially during stressful moments.

Jan’s mission is to help parents find better ways of being with their children, with full love and trust. She has identified a few phrases that she thinks can help children understand what their parents need, without feeling controlled or discounted. Two examples are: “Let me know when you’re ready” and “How can I help?”

Jan urges parents to offer children lots of choices, which shows them that their needs and feelings are being respected. She believes this is especially important when children are going through a situation where they have little control, such as during a move or divorce, or following the birth of a sibling. Parents who offered many choices when their child was a toddler (blue cup or red cup, this jacket or that one) can forget how important autonomy and choices can still be for older children.

Jan’s next book will be on standing up for children in public places. We talked about how difficult it is to intervene when children are being mistreated in public. Many people in our society feel that it’s the parent’s right to treat their child the way they see fit - that it’s none of our business. I told her how moved I was by the series of articles on her site called, “Intervening on Behalf of a Child in a Public Place.” It can be so hard to do, yet so important that children know that someone cares.

Jan is also mounting a letter-writing campaign to NBC, asking them to cancel the new reality program “The Baby Borrowers” which is planned to start in June. In the show, babies and young children are given to inexperienced teenagers to “raise” for three days and nights in an effort to discourage teen pregnancies. A bold idea, but one that ignores the pain felt by these babies and children separated from their parents for such a long period of time. Maybe we still don’t understand that children feel pain!

Read more about Jan Hunt and the Natural Child Project at:

http://www.naturalchild.org/

To read the articles referenced above on intervention:

http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/child_advocacy.html

To read Jan’s Open Letter to NBC:

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/baby_borrowers.html

Read reviews and order Jan’s books:

http://www.naturalchild.org/shop/boo

It can be hard being out in public with children. Many people seem to be burdened by children having a hard time. Or they feel threatened by one having too good a time or not following some norm. Perhaps a child is not wearing shoes or is climbing up the sliding board from the bottom! Have you ever noticed a child having a temper tantrum and how uncomfortable everyone is? When it’s your kid having the temper tantrum, not wearing shoes, bucking the convention, it can be pretty lonely. Of course, you want to help your child in their distress or to be themselves, but what else in on your mind? In situations like these, I’ve caught myself worrying about what others are thinking. I’ve seen (or imagined) dismayed looks and shaking of heads, or people pointedly looking away. What are they thinking about me? “What a terrible mother that she can’t control her children!” “Why is she giving in to that brat?” “Why isn’t she getting the kid what they want so they’ll shut up?” What’s a parent to do?

I hate the idea that children should be controlled. Children are rational. They can be trusted to make good decisions with honest and trustworthy advice. If you treat them with compassion and respect, that will be their experience of how people treat each other. But having that trust in yourself and your children takes courage.

While I believe strongly in the rightness of treating children respectfully, at the same time I am mortified about being in a position where others feel they can judge me. What is that about? We have powerful memes in our culture to not make waves, not draw attention to ourselves. There is the idea that we should be considerate of others and that we should teach our children to be considerate as well. There is strong support for admonishing children in public, teaching them that their needs are not as important as respecting other’s rights. What these rights are, I’m not sure. I’ve been in a restaurant that was so noisy you could barely hear yourself think, and heard another diner chastise a family for a child talking “too loudly”. But the revelers at the bar were not a problem. I sometimes think that children are held to a higher behavioral standard than adults!

Parents are fair game for censure as well. People seem to feel no qualms about exclaiming loudly how badly they think you are doing in the parenting department. I am always amazed that a child in distress will invoke the response of “tsk, tsk, bad child, bad mother” and not an offer of help to either the child or the mother. Why is it more important to make sure everyone else is feeling ok (not distressed by the loud noise or the expression of sadness) than to make sure a child is feeling ok? Why is it so easy to discount the pain of the smaller and weaker person? Something is wrong with this picture.

How do we want to live our lives with our children? Do we want to look back with satisfaction that we were careful not to offend total strangers? Or would we rather remember that we made our child’s needs the top priority? Let’s shoot for the latter!

When I start to waver in my convictions, I think about a wise man named Richard Feynman, a Nobel prize winning physicist. He titled the second of his memoirs, “What Do You Care What Other People Think?” Mr. Feynman was on the commission appointed to investigate the Challenger shuttle explosion. He did a dramatic experiment, demonstrating why the O rings failed and led to the explosion on that cold launch day. He took it upon himself to confront the government agencies that failed to pay attention to this detail and misrepresented the risks. I may never need to challenge authority in such a striking way, but I draw inspiration from his words, to pay attention to what really matters.

Here is my call to action. The next time you are in public and your child needs your support, take a deep breath and remind yourself of what is most important to you. Tune out the disapproving (perhaps imagined) stares. Don’t worry about the adults. They can take care of themselves. Ask for help if you can think of a way that others could help you. Focus on your child. Really listen and keep working on finding a solution to the problem that works for you and the child. Be proud of yourself for remembering what’s important and for “not caring what other people think.”